The Passage of Time

Today is my stepdaughter's birthday. She is 17 today, drives herself to school every day, and is thinking about college. She was five when I first met her. Where did the time go?

Nothing makes you feel more mortal than the silent, steady passage of time. Last week, I noted the anniversary of the murder of John Lennon. Like a slap in the face, I realized that 31 years had passed since that horrible night. Little Sean Ono Lennon, who in my memory is frozen as a five year-old boy devestated by his father's death, is now a 36 year-old man. How in the world can that be?

I can go on and on about these things. It's been 25 years since the '86 Mets won the World Series, 36 years since the night I saw Springsteen and the E Street Band for the first time. I've been practicing law for the last 25 years and my biological daughter, at times frozen in my mind as a little girl, turns 20 in February.

I've always been told that people get wiser as they get older. I'm not so sure I believe that. It seems that I've made some pretty stupid decisions in the last ten years, and the consequences have been brutal. But in the long run, maybe they were not so bad after all, and they have led to better things. I'm in a much better place than I was five years ago, both spiritually and physically, and that's clearly a good thing.

I still have my dreams and goals. Someday I will play in the main event of the World Series of Poker. Hopefully, I won't get knocked out in the first fifteen minutes. I look forward to seeing my kids be successful and happy, and yes, I look forward to some day being a grandpa. But not anytime soon.

I'm pretty disgusted at the direction this country has taken. The political mood is so divisive and I think we have lost much of what made our country great. So many people want to tell me how to live my life, and how to think, and how to vote. It makes me angry and pessimistic about the future. Maybe it was always like this, and I'm just looking at the world from a 53 year-old view, and not a 30 year-old view. Maybe not.

The worst thing is that there are too many people I have lost who mean so much to me. I miss them, and not even the passage of time has changed that. I would love to be able to talk to my Dad one more time, and have him give me that good, reasoned advice that he always gave me. I don't think I will ever get over the loss of him. I would love to hear my late brother-in-law sing and play his guitar one more time. And I would love to be able to see my aunt and know that she recognizes me and still loves me. And just once, I would love to hear my grandfather's voice again. But it just doesn't work that way.

We can only move forward. Time keeps marching on, and we can never go back. I can only do the best I can, day by day, to be the best person, the best husband, father, stepfather, son, and brother I can be. I can remember and love all the people who are no longer here, but I don't need to dwell on the past. It's much better to live in the present, and celebrate the wonderful things and people I have in my life. As the holidays approach, I will do my best to enjoy each day as it comes, and not get caught up in the whole getting older thing.

Happy Holidays, everyone.